Sometimes.

Sometimes I  feel like I'm not going to make it through this year. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to accept my flaws.

Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to accept my dads death. 

Sometimes, just sometimes I want to feel like everything is going to be okay.

All the time, I wish my life went differently.

All the time, I wish I could accept myself for who I am.

All the time I wish I was a better person.

All the time, I wish I wasn't a waste of space.

All the time, I wish I wasn't so lazy.

2012.

Almost a month of 2012 has gone by and I just hate hate HATE IT.

So far I've lost money, scratched my moms car, wrote a really bad exam, fallen down the stairs had to deal with a messy event and other drama here and there. I keep on making silly errors every day, which I really don't mean to. I'm so accident prone and I don't know how to fix it. I try to be ambitious , but can lose that feeling really quickly. Because the million times that I tried in my life, I've ended up failing, so psychologically I'm screwed. I expect failure. Which is a big no no.

One positive-ish thing is that my eczema is getting better, no where near where it should be, but considering how it was in 2010 it's pretty okay. I'm just really really irritated with myself and my life right now.

I kinda don't know how to fix this messyness and the way I'm feeling. Bleh.

I start honours in a week and I'm freaken scared. I've started Japanese which is pretty awesome. I don't exactly what I'm going to do with my Mandarin Chinese and Japanese speaking skills. So it feels somewhat pointless. I'm not exactly a traveller and as a Muslim girl I'm kind of confined to my house. I won't really be allowed to gallivant around the world by myself.

I'm trying to think of a million get-rich-quickly ideas. Not succeeding so much. Most are okay, but not really feasible for me or I don't have the skills to create what I want.

I don't even know why I am blogging. I guess it's the same with a diary. You write and then no one reads it. Unless someone is being curious and finds your diary. But me, I leave it open to the public - not that I have a large fan base or anything, who in the world want to read other peoples emo thoughts?

Sometimes I wish I could read my blog from an outsiders point of view. Just to see how messed up I really am.

The Return

I figured this blog is dedicated to my emotional self.

I haven't written for months! Since 27 March to be exact. I tend to only write blog posts when I'm really emotional. At this moment I'm okay, not happy, not sad, just okay. Earlier today I was a bit sad because I was thinking about my dad. It's a year and a half later and the pain never completely goes away. I can talk to people perfectly fine without crying, but when you sit alone and think to yourself it's different. Your thoughts are deeper and you have no distractions. A few minutes later you'll be grabbing tissues and sometimes you don't. Sometimes you just let the tears run and drop off from your face onto your clothes. I don't know why. Maybe wiping the tears away signifies trying to wipe the pain away. Maybe letting the tears run feels as if I'm letting loose.

Now I'm sad.