Emo personal post ahead.
My current daily routine :
I go to sleep around 6amish and wake up at 4pmish . While I'm awake I play a little guitar, do a little exercise, eat LOTS, play computer games, attempt to get back into reading, rewatch series I've already watched and sit behind the pc researching random stuff. I've been doing this for more than the last month! Kind of sad. Ok, I lie. Beyond sad. I would use a really big word to make me seem intelligent, but vocabulary is pretty limited to short average people words.
So today I had a realisation while showering, which was about 2 hours or so ago. I broke down crying thinking about my dad in the shower. I'm sure most people do lots of thinking in the shower, well that's if they not singing. Ain't it awesome how you can be crappiest singer, but you sound amazing in the shower. Thinking about the fact that he is never going to see me graduate,get married or have kids. It sucks so badly and breaks my heart. I had this goal to make him proud, but unfortunately I didn't get that chance. I realized that I'm not ok. I don't know how to be okay. I used to one of those people who thinks it would be better if they were dead, but I'd never kill myself else I'd be dead long ago. I do want to be alive, but I don't know how. If that makes any sense at all. I'm a sensible emo, at least I'd like to believe so. I don't slit my wrists or any of that nonsense. The worst I do is cry, listen to emo music and don't leave my house for prolonged periods of time. I'm sure real emo's would be disgusted that I attempt to call myself an emo.
I think I'm going to go to counselling next year. I find psychologists useless though, maybe because I tell everyone my problems already. I'm one of those annoyingly open people who tells people every fine details of their life problems. People like me don't need psychologists. I guess I'll give it a shot. Anything to get out of this dreadful state.
On a random note , don't you hate it when your toes itch?! So horrible.
OH.MY.WORD.
I'm currently on my laptop now sitting on my moms beds. Here's why:
I was sitting at my computer and I turned to look around and there was a COCKROACH. I am totally freaked out by those disgusting little black things. It was running around the room SO FAST. I was looking for the perfect time to escape so it wouldn't catch me. I jumped up on my chair, I didn't feel safe enough so I jumped up on the desk. Eventually the vile creature was enough distance away from me to escape. I grabbed the towel I used for showering and ran out. I took the towel in case I got a chance to throw it on him. I waited outside the door for it to come out, when I saw a glimpse of it I chickened out and threw the towel on the floor and ran to my moms room like a little girl. I woke her up telling her there was this cockroach in my room and it was really fast and she laughed! Luckily my laptop was laying on the floor in a cockroach free room. So I can continue my blog. I'm not sure when it will be safe to go back in my room. I'm scared :(
I'm not sure what the phobia is called for the fear of cockroaches, but I have that! It's such a pointless fear though, because what can they do to me? They such harmless little fellows. People on fear factor eat them and crap! I wouldn't eat one for a million rand. Screw that! I'd rather be poor. You know dates? No not the romantic type of date, the one you can eat. To me that resembles a cockroach so I get semi-freaked out when I eat them. You know there may be this chance that a roach mixes with dates and I eat the roach :/ YOU NEVER KNOW OK!
So for now, I think I'm going to continue staying away from social interaction for a while longer. I don't want to talk to anyone and I don't want to see anyone.
Ok bye.
